Gone One Week

Gone One Year

Vern is gone

Hi, Mommy’s Boo. It’s been a week since you left us and our hearts are so empty without your majestic presence. Tinkerbell and Skippy have figured out that you’ve gone. Your kitty is so lost without you to play with, and Tinkerbell has taken to moping in all the places you used to lay. And your daddy, Boo, your daddy is so heartbroken without you. You kept him alive through so many bouts with the depression, and he can’t help but feel that he failed you at the end, unable to do anything but help you home to ease the pain; he feels guilty being the one to make the call and choose the day. I keep telling him you love him and that he did right. Vern, we know how much you love us, and we know you know how much we love you, but our hearts still break that our big boy can’t snuggle with us any more.

Beautiful boy, we took one of the locks of fur you gave us your last day on earth to your favorite park, and we buried it under a unique tree along the main path by where you stopped and smiled that last Saturday (Tinkerbell helped). It felt good to think a part of you would always be able to find your way back to that place. It felt so wrong walking out of the vet’s that day, leaving you behind on the examination room floor. I know you had already left us, because I watched you go, but I still wanted to gather you up and hold you close and never ever let go. I wanted you to get up and come with us. I just wanted more time with my precious boy.

I read the posts of pain from the other mommies and daddies on (the Petloss board). My special boy, will you tell all their furchildren how loved they are, please? Your Grandpaw isn’t doing very well, Handsome. Will you please tell Sammey and Rowdy he’ll be there, soon? He will want to visit with you, too, for a bit, -- he was pretty choked up when I told him you’d gone. Please give my love to Peanuts, Mittens and Tigger, for me, and remind them that I love them and that I still miss them, too.

Mommy loves Vern.

It's been a year

Hi, my boy!

I can't believe it's been a year since you left us. I still see your face in my mind, every time I turn around, every time I close my eyes. I miss you so much, still. I still choke up when I tell people about you. I still cry when I look at your pictures. It's taken me a year to finish writing it all down because I can't see through the tears.

You would be so confused right now, Boo Boo Bear. Oh handsome, boy, what a mess we've made. I couldn't take what your Daddy was doing to me anymore, and he went too far. Now he can't see his Tinkerbell because he can't behave around Mommy. And sometimes I think about all this and I'm glad you're gone because I think we'd have killed each other over you, and because I don't know how you'd have handled that last night.

But oh God I wish you were here, now. Now I sit and look back on your life and I remember how you reacted when I gave you the liver that last week. You looked amazed. How long had it been since you had that? How long since we'd taken you to the park regularly? How many nights did we take you for granted? I remember even when you were sick and I was crying and your Daddy shoved you away. I don't do that anymore, Mommy's boy. I am spoiling these babies ROTTEN and I tell them all about you every second that I do.

But I think you'd have liked this new house, Boo. Well, I think you would when I'm done, anyway. It's a "fixer". I found some cheap tile, cheaper than vinyl and I can put it down myself, so the kitchen floor, once it's fixed, will be tile. So will the bath. I remember how you used to love to lay on the tile hearth at the first house we had. You remember -- back when you were small enough to fit on a hearth. And the yard is a good size for you to dig up with glee. Tinkerbell likes to go under the porch and I think you would, too. She's doing better, but she's awfully confused by all this. I know she'd be easier about it if you were here. The front yard is fenced, too, so you could hang out with me while I worked on that. And, well, there's always enough room on the bed now for a Boo Boo Bear.

I miss you, Handsome. There were times you were the only one who "got it". You never understood why you couldn't be my "boyfriend" and honestly, Baby Boo, I don't know anymore, either. You always treated me better. You were willing to give. You could listen and you could laugh and you could play. I cry so much anymore for everything I lost and everything I gave up. I wish I made a difference but I didn't even exist. I just want a second chance with my boy. I just want to start over.

You know we got Tinkerbell a puppy -- Starbreaker. He's a cutie and he's growing fast. Oh, but it was a mistake to get a baby with the same shape face as you, Boo. I walked into the bedroom three days ago and saw him on the bed and nearly tripped and fell. Oh, he looked just like you. Poor little muffin had no idea what was wrong. And he's an awesome baby. He's his own "person", not a carbon copy of you, which is good. But I wish you were here to help me teach him. You could get through that "Puppy ADD" to get his attention, I bet. Oh, and he sings off key, Boo. He needs a teacher who can counteract Tinky and Mommy's bad singing lessons. But he's in love with your kitty, and she's starting to warm up to him, too. She just flopped down and let him slurp her, instead of running or smacking him, for the first time ever yesterday. I think she misses having a big brother to play with.

Mommy made that picture of you a year ago and hasn't been able to sit down and draw since. I can't concentrate long enough to get anything done. I am glad I drew it, though. I hung it on my wall by my computer monitor and I look at you all the time. It reminds me that you're no longer in pain. It reminds me that you're free. It reminds me that it took love and courage to do the right thing and set you free. I will never ever forget you, Handsome boy. You are forever in my heart and soul.

Mommy see you soon enough, Baby Boo. I'll send a few friends up for you to play with between now and then. When I do get there, we'll have a big barbecue (nobody we know, though -- that would just be awkward), and after we eat you and I can play "you can't catch me" one more time. How about it?

Mommy loves Vern.